Jim Howard, the Director of the Missouri Lawyers' Assistance Program, has been a wonderful and dear friend to me for the past few years. Whenever I needed assistance related to my law practice, I would call him, and he was always there to help with my emotional health and well being as a practicing attorney. I am sure that many lawyers have had Jim's help and the help of the Committee when it came to dealing with alcohol and drug problems. However, there is another area for which Jim and others on the Committee provide help. The illness is depression, and my suggestion is that not enough attorneys who have problems with depression take advantage of the Missouri Lawyers' Assistance Program.

I have suffered from this illness for many years. It is a horrible illness that leaves one with the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Even though I have been under treatment for depression for years, there still have been times when I felt that things were so bad that I just could not go on with life itself. I am blessed in that I have a very loving and devoted wife, who has been there to help me get through those down times. I have also been fortunate to have the help of a very good and wonderful therapist, who has been in my corner helping me cope with this illness. My third, but by no means least important teammate for dealing with depression has been Jim and his committee.

A few years ago I came face to face with the demon of perpetrating my own death. My depression was so bad that even my medication was of no help. My wife was not home that morning, and so I called Jim. Within a very short time he was on the phone talking me through that difficult time, listening, and just being there. He was able to convince me that all was not lost, that I needed to make some more calls, and get help. Instead of making a dreaded mistake, I made the calls and got help. It didn't end there; Jim called to follow up and made sure that I got the help I needed.

I have to believe that other fellow lawyers have been down this road as well. Depression is an illness that usually does not show physical signs to others. People who suffer from this illness can fool others when they are in public. They are able to talk and engage anyone. Moreover, not all people with depression resort to alcohol and or illegal drugs in an attempt to cope.

A problem that lawyers may have in dealing with a mental illness is the fear that this is somehow a sign of weakness. They probably feel, as I did, that if a person has a mental illness such as depression, that person must be incompetent, and not tough enough to be a practicing attorney. I thought only crazy people get depressed. This is far from factual. President Lincoln suffered from depression, yet led our country through the toughest time in our nation's history.

I know what it is to be ridiculed and laughed at because of my depression. What I have learned is that those people who treated me that way have no clue. It takes much more strength to admit that I have depression, and know that I can deal with it on a professional basis, and not let this illness win out.

If any of you out there feel depressed most of the time, or think that you may suffer from this illness, take comfort. If you feel that there is nowhere to turn, or that others will laugh at you, please know that there is help out there. Jim Howard and his Committee are always there. Get help. Seek treatment and fight back against this horrible and disabling illness.

Recently I lost a dear friend to this illness, when the demon of death overcame him. He did not reach out and seek the help that was there before him all of the time. Perhaps he did not realize that help may be only a phone call away. Please, don't make that same mistake. Otherwise, some friend of yours may be writing this letter in your memory, urging others to get help before it is too late.

Anonymous

Call the Missouri Lawyers' Assistance Program (MOLAP) at 1-800-688-7859 for professional, confidential assistance with depression that is affecting your personal or professional life or visit the MOLAP Web page at www.mobar.org/law/molap.htm.